Visioform Personal Growth Resources

To give up our story means taking responsibility for our life, for all that has happened to us, and for all that we have made out of it. To do this, it is often necessary to broaden our perspectives from the level of the personality to that of the soul, which is the higher plan that guides our fate.

To see the events in a new light, you must give up your story. The first step is to trace how you produce the events that happen over and over again. This requires some practice, especially when your life’s guiding principle is that others are responsible for your suffering.

The second step is to find out how you produce the situations that happen to you over and over again. People tend to evade the answer to this question by making general statements. The devil sits in the details, particularly in the feelings that are connected to the details. Feelings are the glue that holds together painful and unpleasant memories. We would like to bypass them by making general statements.

The third step is to move back into the situations that lie at the root of the ‘evil’. In my sessions with clients, I invite their Higher Self to join me. The Higher Self is a bridge between soul and mind and is an expression of the True Self or core of the person. It is closer to the truth than our Ego, for whom it is more important to save face than know the truth.

I ask the Higher Self to lead us back into the situation where we can find the key for the present experience. This key opens the door to what lies underneath the outward symptoms, diseases or problematic life strategies. Such a situation could be a familiar repetitive incident from childhood, which now appears in a new light, or a traumatizing experience that has been repressed from consciousness or classified as unimportant.

One such example is the story of a young man who felt that his mother had restricted his spontaneity and vibrant self-expression to the point where he had physical sensations of paralysis and being crushed. In an inner image, this situation presented itself as a large round stone that had been rolled over a tiger and buried its body. As we looked closer, the stone changed into topsoil, which carried a new germ, the germ of a large tree, which was now ready to grow. All the oppressive and constricting forces, which the stone symbolically represented, were at the same time the mother-ground for the unfolding of his potential.

You cannot recognize this side of the story if you look at it from the perspective of the victim. Only if you put the story into a larger context, if you shift your perspective, can you value the gift that is hidden in it. When you acknowledge and appreciate the positive intent, you can liberate yourself from the entanglements of the past.

In cases where the experiences cut so deeply and were so painful that they are repressed from consciousness, it will take longer to reach the source. You will probably need some guidance, or undertake your own training and practice. Our inner wisdom opens the door to the unconscious only when we are one hundred percent ready to see the truth. A part of the work is just bringing our resistance into conscious awareness. Resistance is another word for fear. Fear has many faces: Fear of the unknown, fear of responsibility or of being held responsible. We are afraid to change our life and to let go of attachments. And we fear that we will not know who we are without our familiar story.

All these fears are legitimate because they carry a grain of truth. It is important to acknowledge and appreciate them, without getting trapped by them or surrendering our power to them. If we dare to look at them, they lose their power and terror. Upon closer inspection, we find out that underneath the threatening fantasies are events which, seen in the light of day, are human. The knowledge relieves and liberates us.

A child interprets events according to the mental capacities that are available at the time when traumatic experiences occur. As adults we are more able to accept human limits. To the degree to which we develop understanding and sympathy for our own weaknesses, we can also accept that our parents or the other important people of our childhood were not perfect. At this point we allow ourselves to see the larger truth and say good-bye to our story. At this point we attain the freedom to bring about overdue changes, to dare the new and to take responsibility for our life.

If you want to larn more about it, check out my Ebook ‘Beyond Suffering’

It will help you to discover the four pillars of how to grow joy in your life

The following text is taken from the book: Growing through Joy. You can buy this book as a printed version (in Europe) or as an ebook overseas

If you pay attention to repetitive patterns in your life, you will probably notice that a particular theme keeps coming back and that it extends from small to big events. For example, if your challenge is to feel betrayed or taken advantage of by others, you may encounter such situations when you go to the bakery to pick up rolls, and also in your personal relationships and in financial agreements with business partners.

In the course of life, you throw light on such a pattern from different angles until you deeply understand them and are willing to let them go.

Earlier in my life, I had often wondered why the same kind of incidents continued to happen to me, despite all my precautions, insights and changes. My personal story was a chain of wrecked relationships with men.

In the course of time, as I pondered on the repetitive nature of these events, I became aware that life confronts us with particular lessons, which appear in different guises. They are key events, which point us the way to our inner core. Since these events are often painful and entail a lot of suffering, I found it first impossible and then difficult to perceive them as positive. From my own work with many clients, I know how resistant people are to the idea that their material, emotional or mental misery may be a reflection of their world within and a signpost to the true self. It seems much simpler to blame others for it.

However blaming others does not save us from the suffering. If we take on responsibility for our agony and misery, if we therefore accept ourselves as the creator of this condition, then we may accept that we can just as well create a good and fulfilled life. We can choose to do this with grace and ease or effort and torment.

Many people in our culture believe that something is only worthwhile if it takes effort and work. It is as if they need sufficient agony stamps before they can grant themselves the good things of life.

We need to become aware that this thinking is part of our Christian inheritance and is not the law of the Universal Mind. In the conscious universe, the responsibility is laid in our own hands.

In this context, responsibility means freedom, the freedom of choice.

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In working with life purposes I use the technique of setting goals that are clear images of a desired result:

• Clear means that you recognise it when it happens.
• Image means that you engage the right side of your brain to visualise a mental image that serves as a blueprint out of which your future will unfold.
• Desired means that you would accept the result if you could have it
• Result means that you focus on a final motive and not a process.

For example, if you desire money, ask yourself what you would like to do with it? Is it security or recognition that you hope money will give you? If so, then security or recognition would be the result. You may receive that even without the money.

If you have the clear picture of a desired result, summarise it in a few key words and form a picture in your mind that represents it. This process is called visualisation. It engages your left and right brain, your conscious and unconscious self, and unites its combined forces behind a common goal.

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The sense of having failed in life can affect all areas of life. It may lead to work stress and failure in the job, relationship stress and loneliness, depression, and, as a consequence, an increased danger of drug and alcohol abuse.

Building self esteem means to learn to realistically acknowledge your strengths and limitations.

Building self esteem means to learn to differentiate between less than perfect actions and your Self so that you can accept yourself as worthy and worthwhile even if you make mistakes.

Building self esteem means to take the authority back that you have given to others in making judgements about your accomplishments and your value as a human being.

The winter time is the perfect season to take account of how you have been doing this year and what you would like to improve next year.

You wonder how?

Read more in my Ebook ‘Beyond Suffering’

Here you can get a taste of it

Or choose the free course on Overcoming Depression and Improving Self-Esteem.

The course provides you with information, instructions and tips on

• how to control negative self talk and change your selfimage
• how to establish positive affirmations
• how to expand the filters of your brain
• how to use abdominal breathing and body position to improve self esteem and lift depression
• how to befriend your inner judge and
• how to take good care of yourself and expand your range of activities.

Do you have a life purpose? Are you aware of your goals and dreams and do you know how to achieve them?

A life purpose is like a light that helps you to focus your energy towards a distant goal and to overcome hindrances and blockages on the way.

A life purpose may be like a key word that runs like a red thread through many of your experiences.

In my seminars I found out, that many people could put their life under such a motto. For some is it love, for other trust, justice, hope, fairness, openness, wisdom, luck, wealth, fulfillment, integrity, truth, creativity, beauty, humanness, harmony, health or freedom.

What is the motto of your life or your present phase of life? Could you name it without having to think about it? If not, I suggest a little exercise, that you can use for free if you click on the link at the end. It’s part of a free course of how to find your vision and live your life’s purpose.

Writing down your life purpose is like a commitment to yourself to reach your goals. A goal focuses your energy and directs it. A goal allows you to overcome difficult situations.

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The following text is taken from the book: Growing through Joy. You can buy this book as a printed version (in Europe) or as an ebook overseas

You may need to mature inner images that are associated with painful childhood memories to shift your frequency from suffering to joy.

These inner images or holograms consist of thoughts, feelings and body sensations that we associate with certain people or situations. They steer the course of life from the Unconscious, in despite of all our good intents and keep us in a familiar chain of suffering and stagnation.

You may know the story of the man who was fed up with carrying his cross around any longer. He went to a shop, which had many different crosses in its stock, and offered his cross in exchange.

“That’s okay”, said the shopkeeper, “Just look around and select a new one.” He walked around and tried many crosses. One pressed here, another pressed there, one was too heavy, the next too thin, the third too worn, the fourth too new. After a long search, he finally found a cross that was tailor-made. Glowing, he went to the shopkeeper.

“I’ll take that one”, he said happily.

The shopkeeper agreed, nodding his head.” This is the cross you came in with.”

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The following text is taken from the book: Growing through Joy. You can buy this book as a printed version (in Europe) or as an ebook overseas

If you had the choice between joy and drama in your life, which would you choose? You would probably say joy. But think about it. Would you really be willing to give up your drama for the sake of joy? Or do you think that joy and drama can exist side by side?

They cannot. Drama and joy exclude each other. Drama is fed by feelings of self-devaluation, suffering and failure. It confirms one’s notion of worthlessness and legitimates one’s suffering. Drama is like a downward spiral, which takes us ever further into the swamp. The further and deeper it grinds down, the more it has the character of a self-destructive addiction.

For many people their life drama is the basis of their identity. Their aim in life is to gain recognition for the suffering that they have endured. This is a very human and legitimate need. The problem with drama is that recognizing the suffering does not cure it. On the contrary. The knowledge that it gets you attention and compassion from others gives the drama additional value. It becomes a tool for gaining affection. The drama is thereby strengthened, and it becomes even more difficult to free yourself from its grip.

For many people, their daily small catastrophes are also a way to feel alive. Sometimes it is the only way they know how to feel alive. Drama is fed by the intensity and high voltage of one’s feelings.

The real changes mostly come in small and inconspicuous steps, and often you only notice them when you look back and realize that a familiar reaction no longer affects you. Instead of jumping up when your colleague makes a pointed remark, you suddenly notice that she is not well and that her comment has nothing to do with you. Instead of sinking into self-doubt and shame when somebody criticizes a particular behavior, you suddenly feel at ease. You may even feel grateful that somebody has pointed out your lack of awareness.

I often see people in my practice that cannot even imagine how it feels to be alive without running on high voltage. The joy that emerges from the stillness and fills the inner being appears boring in comparison, especially if the experience is not at first accessible and must be developed through daily practice. One must have faith that this daily practice will guide one out of the swampland, especially when success is not immediately noticeable.

Your best chance of success comes when you arrive at that point in life when you are tired of the drama, and the drawbacks of suffering have become stronger than the goodies you get from it. I call this the choice point. The pull of the drama and your self-destructive part is balanced by your desire to live a fulfilling and rewarding life. If you can say one hundred percent yes to life, the scales will come down in your favor. Then you switch from a downward to an upward spiral. Your work is not yet finished, but it becomes a lot easier because satisfactory experiences now accelerate the upward movement.

At this point, we not only look at how to overcome suffering but also how to expand joy.

Joy is the quality of the heart which we build as we grow in our capacity to take responsibility for life; to be grateful for what is given and to let go of what is no longer needed; and to expand our capacity to love and serve ourselves and others.

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Depression is more than that sense of feeling “down” or discouraged at times when things are not going well. Depression involves sadness, pessimism, a preoccupation with personal problems, and perhaps self-pity, anguish, crying, and hopelessness.

Symptoms of depression can range from mild versions such as temporary withdrawal, low energy, tiredness and sleeping problems over moderate forms such as feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness, decreased productivity, poor concentration or poor appetite to severe symptoms of recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.

There are many reasons why you might feel depressed. You may undergo major life changes such as divorce, separation, loss of a job, retirement or moving town. Or you may feel unhappy about your marital situation or fear physical and mental problems of old age. Or you may be sensitive to the change of seasons. As we enter the dark time of the year, you may suffer from the lack of light.

Depression may also occur without any outer trigger. Perfectionism, low self worth, mood swings, dissatisfaction with life, the chronic use of alcohol or other drugs or even prescribed medications may lead to depression.

I offer a free course on OVERCOMING DEPRESSION AND IMPROVING SELF ESTEEM.

The course provides you with information, instructions and tips on

• how to control negative self talk and change your selfimage
• how to establish positive affirmations
• how to expand the filters of your brain
• how to use abdominal breathing and body position to improve self esteem and lift depression
• how to befriend your inner judge and
• how to take good care of yourself and expand your range of activities.

The course is free, no obligations.

Register here

The following text is taken from the book: Growing through Joy. You can buy this book as a printed version (in Europe) or as an ebook overseas

When you are tired of wearing your cross that you got used to all your life any longer you will find a broad spectrum of suggestions and instructions of how to let go of your cross in the full version of the e-book: Beyond suffering. You will find an overview of the content after this section.

In the book, I explain in a language that you can easily understand how you construct your reality. This understanding is based on modern physics, research about the functioning of our consciousness and Eastern traditions. With this knowledge, you can create a reality that is in alignment with your needs.

The full version of the book “Beyond Suffering” includes a manual with detailed instructions of how to track a body symptom, a problem or a life-depleting pattern, how to understand the higher purpose and to preserve the gift of this lesson in a new and positive form. Using these techniques, you can overcome old wounds and traumatic experiences.

The book teaches you how to access your higher Self to draw forth what you would like to manifest and how to use the breath to flow with the rhythm of life. The book explains the creative power of the mind and the law of resonance and provides detailed instructions of how to draw those qualities, goods and people into your life that will make your life fulfilled.

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There are many different levels how we can perceive and experience love.

On the level of ethics or principles you will be able to differentiate the different levels with their options and challenges. This level enables you to distance yourself from yourself.

In practice this means, that you can observe, like a neutral observer how you have handled the options and challenges of love on the different levels of development, and what kind of thought forms and behaviour may even today hinder you to give and receive true love. As you are not completely identified with your own thoughts and responses anymore, you can choose how you may best overcome the obstacles.

If your partner for instance would like more room for himself, you will not simply react with fears of loss and trying to hold the partner, but you observe the responses in you and you use your competence to develop another way of dealing with such situations.

With the consciousness of the fifth level, you attain the freedom to direct your thoughts and behaviour in such a way that it leads to your chosen goals.

If you integrate all that you have learned on all the levels, you become an embodiment of true love that spreads to all people. This feeling of universal love is the all-encompassing feeling of compassion that Buddha spoke about. It is the wish to ease the suffering of people helping them to understand the transitory nature of this world

Each level has its own qualities and challenges, and it will take a different length of time to come to terms with them.

You find a comprehensive description in my book: Growing through Joy or, if you prefer, in the Ebook version: Beyond suffering.

Get a taste of it here

Our memory has a tendency to draw together events in such a way that our dignity is guaranteed. And the more frequently we tell our story, the more we are convinced of its truth.

I remember a carved wooden doll, which I loved dearly as a child. Relatives from Canada had sent me a “proper” doll, a real treasure in Germany at the beginning of the fifties. She had hair to be combed; she could say “mom,” she wore a ball-dress and had an everyday-dress to change into. Yet despite all these advantages, she could not compete with my wooden doll whose body was handy and robust and whose limbs swung at the nails, which joined them to the trunk. And most important, I loved her.

One day, this precious doll disappeared and was recalled to memory only thirty years later during my psychoanalysis. Psychoanalysis and therapies in general tend to plough through the ground on its shadow side, searching for memories which can be held responsible for unfulfilled dreams and wishes, for the failure of plans and projects, and one’s own deficiencies or life hardships.

And here it was. The memory, the quintessential proof of how little my mother had loved me, and appreciated and honored my needs. One day, SHE had burnt the doll. Could anything have better expressed her relationship to me than this act of carelessness? And yes! During the psychoanalysis I progressed to the point of counting this as an oversight and not as intended malevolence. It was a step in the direction of forgiveness, but not yet a reconciliation.

You want to know what happened?

Read on in a few days or get a copy of my Ebook ‘Beyond Suffering’

Suffering can be the result of the daily little disasters that for many people is a way to feel alive. For some is it the only familiar way how to participate in life.

Suffering can also be a quiet accuse that life is unjust and hard. In such a case, you may feel like a victim of the circumstances. As a victim, you give your power to the circumstances.

We suffer when we lose a loved one. It is important at this point to distinguish between the pain over the loss and suffering. Pain is a natural reaction to loss. The pain passes, if you allow yourself to mourn the loss. After such active mourning you turn back to life.

Guilt feelings or rage against the injustice of the world feed suffering. If you do not recognise and acknowledge these feelings the suffering then can turn into a victim position.

A victim position differs from a victim situation by re-creating a victim situation in the mind. All the thoughts and feelings connected with it then influence the perspective on life.

A victim situation happens in life. Out of such a situation the victim position emerges with all the associated feelings of powerless rage and guilt feelings which then gets repeated in life.

How can you move beyond suffering?

Find out through my Ebook : Beyond Suffering

In that Ebook, I outline the principles and steps that over centuries and across cultures have proven to be successful in moving beyond suffering.

Some people are great in designing beautiful life purposes and plans, but if it comes down to bring them into reality, they never get done. You may know this phenomenon from all the great New Year resolutions that never come true.

Do you have the will power, persistence or desire to manifest your life purpose? Are you just lacking the information or experience how to realise it?

I offer books, free articles and a free course with instructions of how to find your life purpose, set goals and take the necessary steps.

If you feel you don’t work well just on your own, I offer distance courses on Selfgrowth, money, love, health, other areas or life in general. You can find and set goals for those areas that are relevant for you.

Check out all the information here

Winter times are dark times, times where we lack light and are prone to go into depression. This doesn’t need to be this way. There are many effective ways to deal with depression.

You can use exercises to increase the energy level which has a major impact in dealing with depression. Depressed people mostly use shallow upper breathing. The chest is collapsed and in breath seems to be difficult. The Latin word for “breathing in”? is inspirare, a word which we find in inspiration and to inspire. If the breath is shallow, you may lack inspiration. Exercises help to increase the breath and in this way the level of inspiration.

You can learn to control your thoughts and feelings and replace the typical negative thought habits that focus on problems and faults with a realistic appraisal of the small successes and joys of life that we all experience no matter how challenging the conditions may be.

You may explore new activities and interests that give you satisfaction, help you to feel good about yourself, and keep the mind off problems and negative thoughts and emotions. On top of it, they open the door to meet like minded people, improve conversation skills and help in making and keeping friends.

You can replace bad habits of blaming, criticising and expecting the worst through assertiveness skills, good problem-solving skills, positive thinking and humour.

The following text is taken from the book: Growing through Joy. You can buy this book as a printed version (in Europe) or as an ebook overseas

For many years, I was occupied with the question how we could shift the deep rooted Christian inheritance of guilt, sin and suffering into responsible and life-enhancing strategies

I found two books, which broke new ground for me: Vernon Woolf’s ‘Holodynamics’ and Michael Talbot’s ‘Holographic Universe’. They explore the power of holograms, inner images that influence or even determine the course of our lives from the Unconscious.

A hologram is a three-dimensional picture that looks like an actual object. However, you can walk right through it. It has no physical limits.

A hologram is produced by a pure light source, like a laser beam, which is split in two by a beam splitter. The first beam reflects off the object; in this case let us say an apple, onto a photographic plate. The second beam reflects off mirrors onto the same photographic plate. Both beams together create criss-crossing wave patterns. They are called interference patterns.

Imagine yourself throwing two stones into a pond of still water, making waves, which ripple outwards, and cross each other. They create a pattern of wave mountains and valleys. This corresponds to the interference pattern of the two laser beams.

When you let a third laser beam shine through the interference pattern on the photographic plate, a three-dimensional image of the object appears on the other side. This is the hologram.

The interference pattern on the plate contains many sections of the photographed object or situation. According to the angle from which you let the third laser beam shine through the plate, you will receive different images of the object or event.

If you apply this phenomenon to a human being, the third laser beam corresponds to your intention. Depending on your viewpoint, aspiration or desire, you create a different reality. If suffering impregnates the viewpoint, you create a different reality than if you were to perceive the same situation from the angle of joy. The popular language expresses this phenomenon in the image of a half-filled glass. The pessimist describes it as half-empty, the optimist as half-full.

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What does true love mean to you?

Most people long for or have an image of a true love that they nourish or search for all their life.

Depending on the level of consciousness, true love can mean something completely different for different people.

On the level of the physical well-being, love is the satisfaction of vital sensual needs and the expression of bodily pleasure and vitality on the base of an intimate relationship.

If there is a distortion on that level, sexual love turns into sex addiction or sexual dependency. In such a case you see the other as an object of your satisfaction. In sex addiction you satisfy your need for bodily stimulation, in sexual dependency your need for affection.

On the level of personal well-being you care for what is best for you and what makes your life fulfilled. The task on this level is to acknowledge and truly love yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses.

Are you wonderning how this will effect your relationships?

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We all have our own tastes, styles and preferences when it comes to how we dress, style our hair, even what we drive, and one of the great things about running a business from the comfort of home is that we can be exactly who we are with no need to impress anyone.

Like you, I have personal preferences. I love the fact that I can work in my PJ’s during the early hours of the day while I coach overseas clients, and comfortable gym clothes or shorts and a T-shirt during the day.

It’s great that working from home gives us this freedom to dress as we choose, but it’s also important to recognize that this is where it stays - at home.

When you’re out in the community or meeting with clients or prospects, put your personal preferences aside and shift your thinking to image management

Whether it’s fair or not, image is critical. How someone perceives you is going to determine whether or not they will do business with you. Psychologists have learned that most people will form an impression of you in the first four minutes and that 80 percent of that impression is based on nonverbal data.

What you say has very little impact compared to your visual appearance.

Just like changing packaging for a product can mean the difference between boom or bust, the same can be applied to your physical packaging.

When I met my accountant for the first time, I was stunned. He came out of his office in his socks, his shirt was hanging out of his pants and he had no tie. His hair was disheveled and he looked like he had just wrestled a bear.

The first thing that may come to mind is he was having an afternoon cavort with his assistant, but he had a glass window on one side of his office and several support staff surrounding his workspace, so I gathered this was his customary work attire.

Most of what he said to me traveled in one ear and out the other because I was too busy trying to tame the battle going on in my head …

“If he cares that little about his appearance and is that sloppy in his own business, why would he be any different with my finances?”

“Laurie, your colleague recommended him and said he did good work, that’s got to count for something.”

This internal battle dominated our meeting and I left with a pit in my stomach.

In the months that followed, I stayed on top of him like a wild dog on a slab of meat. I didn’t trust his judgment or quality of work. I watched every entry he made like a hawk and double checked everything he did.

I eventually brought the relationship to an end and transferred my business to another accountant. Maybe it was shallow and terribly unfair, but the fact remains - appearance does have a major impact on business relationships. I couldn’t get past my first impression or the subsequent impressions as I continued to visit his office, and if I didn’t call and ask for something, or put a deadline on it, I don’t know if it would have been done. His poor professional image translated to substandard performance and unfortunately, the two are often connected, and that’s where our perceptions and judgments come into play.

An eternal truth in business is, you will succeed based on what is, not on what it should be.

Physical appearance and its impact on business success has been tested and measured and you can try it out for yourself to demonstrate.

One day, dress casual for meeting prospects and arrive in your aging pick-up truck. The next day, wear a business suit and complement it with accessories like a good quality pen, briefcase and your newer model car.

You’ll notice a remarkable difference in the results you produce

You’ll also notice that you’re treated with more respect, courtesy and receive much better service and response than you are when dressed in your “at home” business clothes.

The importance of personal packaging is a fact of business life. It may seem unfair or superficial, but the fact remains - to resist, deny or ignore it would be disastrous to your success.

Take a few moments to reflect on how you’re presenting yourself to the world. Is there room for improvement? If so, make a change and test it. I’m certain you’ll be impressed by the results.

2006 © Laurie Hayes - The HBB Source

Laurie Hayes is the expert and visionary behind The HBB Confidential, a FREE bi-weekly ezine for home-based business owners. Each issue delivers simple strategies you can use right away to build a profitable home business while creating fun and freedom in your life! Go to http://www.thehbbsource.com to learn more.

The following text is taken from the book: Growing through Joy. You can buy this book as a printed version (in Europe) or as an ebook overseas

What we perceive as reality is not the only possible reality. Pointing to a different view, quantum physicist David Bohm describes the interplay between unfolded and enfolded orders. What we see and experience as ‘real’, which is the unfolded order, is basically an illusion. It is comparable to a holographic picture. Underneath, there is a deeper level of existence that extends itself beyond time and space.

Examples of the existence of a deeper level of being that lies beyond time and space are to be found in the psychic phenomena of clairvoyance or intuitive knowledge.

You may have had a personal experience, which leads you to credit the possibility. You were perhaps thinking about somebody from whom you had not heard in a long while, and the next day you get a letter from them. You think of a person, and within the next moment you meet them. Suddenly, in an inner vision, you see yourself in another place, and a couple of years later find yourself in that precise spot. If you enjoy working with plants, you may have experienced that they flourish better if you speak to them or please them with beautiful music.

Carl Gustav Jung has called the coincidence of unusual events ‘synchronicity.’ The term expresses his belief that coincidences are not accidental. More than that, ‘Synchronicity’ is a statement that we are all part of an indivisible whole, and that our thoughts, attitudes, desires and intentions set things in the material world in motion and apprehend events beyond time and space.

What you think and do has an effect. When your heart is filled with rage and hate, it has an effect. It will draw those events into your life that confirm your right to be angry. When your thoughts are filled with fear, you will draw into your life what you are afraid of.

The good news is that the same is true for the positive side of life. When you fill your heart with joy and love, you will draw those qualities into your life. It is up to you what you want to cultivate. You cultivate what you think.

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To find true love in relationships you first need to find that love in yourself.

If you do not know or appreciate your own value, you make yourself dependent on the appreciation and love of others. You need others to fill yourself not on the sexual level as before but on the emotional-mental realm. You demand appreciation, identity and self-confidence. You enter the relationship as somebody who needs love rather than somebody who is willing to give love.

On the interpersonal level, you look for somebody, who compliments you, stabilises your self worth and satisfies your needs. According to the law of attraction you fall in love with somebody, who looks for the same.

The dilemma is that two dependent people who are attracted to each other for the satisfaction of their dependency needs are not in the position to fulfil each other’s wants. They cling to each other like two burrs, without being able to give each other the nourishment of true love that each one longs for. The frustration of the lacking fulfilment leads to anger and hate.

Some spend their whole life playing this game of love and hate.

Others separate and look for a better substitute. Usually the exchange ends in the same drama, if you refuse to unfold your potential.

If you on the personal level have found yourself and you know your value, you also recognise and acknowledge it in others. When you are satisfied with yourself you don’t request the other person to change for your own sake.

On the contrary: You will support him/her to unfold his or her potential. You stand back, if necessary, or you stand at his/her side. You share your strengths and weaknesses, allow yourself to be vulnerable and in that way deepen the intimacy of the partnership.

The “yes” to the other person is a necessity to provide the safety to master a crisis together. The relationship is an instrument of growing together, and growth means an imbalance in time. This imbalance however does not endanger the relationship, but releases the potential for creative solutions.

Does this sound like “impossible”? Believe me, it is NOT. But, yes, it is work.

Here is a range of support for you how to get there:

Get the free course on how to improve your self-esteem.
Get the free course on how to create healthy relationships.

If you love to learn through books, here are two choices

The pocket book version: Growing through Joy
The ebook version: Beyond Suffering

If you want a professional back-up, I offer a distance course on love starting February 7

I offer books, free articles and a free course with suggestions of what you can do to cope with such a situation.

The free course on Creating healthy relationships provides you with information, instructions and tips on

• the difference between delight and fright in relationships
• the difference between co-dependent and healthy relationships skills
• how to evaluate your strengths and weaknesses in relationships
• how to overcome codependent patterns and develop healthy relationship skills

Register here

As abusive relationships are so deeply rooted and supported through cultural myth, you may need extra help in understanding the dynamics of them and in shifting the energetic patterns that hold the persecutor or victim position in place so that you can develop healthy relationship patterns and communication skills.

In my Ebook ‘Beyond Suffering’ you find a comprehensive description of the different stages of love with its own qualities and challenges to give you a broader view of the context of healthy relationships. You will also find a hands-on manual in this book on how to strengthen a positive Self

As a response to this situation, I have also explored with great success the use of distance courses which aim to develop and strengthen your positive Self, to recognise and transform negative life patterns, to access your inner resources and to use them to live a selfempowered, healthy, meaningful and fulfilled life.

Check here for more information