To find true love in relationships you first need to find that love in yourself.
If you do not know or appreciate your own value, you make yourself dependent on the appreciation and love of others. You need others to fill yourself not on the sexual level as before but on the emotional-mental realm. You demand appreciation, identity and self-confidence. You enter the relationship as somebody who needs love rather than somebody who is willing to give love.
On the interpersonal level, you look for somebody, who compliments you, stabilises your self worth and satisfies your needs. According to the law of attraction you fall in love with somebody, who looks for the same.
The dilemma is that two dependent people who are attracted to each other for the satisfaction of their dependency needs are not in the position to fulfil each other’s wants. They cling to each other like two burrs, without being able to give each other the nourishment of true love that each one longs for. The frustration of the lacking fulfilment leads to anger and hate.
Some spend their whole life playing this game of love and hate.
Others separate and look for a better substitute. Usually the exchange ends in the same drama, if you refuse to unfold your potential.
If you on the personal level have found yourself and you know your value, you also recognise and acknowledge it in others. When you are satisfied with yourself you don’t request the other person to change for your own sake.
On the contrary: You will support him/her to unfold his or her potential. You stand back, if necessary, or you stand at his/her side. You share your strengths and weaknesses, allow yourself to be vulnerable and in that way deepen the intimacy of the partnership.
The “yes” to the other person is a necessity to provide the safety to master a crisis together. The relationship is an instrument of growing together, and growth means an imbalance in time. This imbalance however does not endanger the relationship, but releases the potential for creative solutions.
Does this sound like “impossible”? Believe me, it is NOT. But, yes, it is work.
Here is a range of support for you how to get there:
Get the free course on how to improve your self-esteem.
Get the free course on how to create healthy relationships.
If you love to learn through books, here are two choices
The pocket book version: Growing through Joy
The ebook version: Beyond Suffering
If you want a professional back-up, I offer a distance course on love starting February 7