Life Issues In-Focus - Overcoming Codependency
Do you want to shift energetic patterns that hold Codependency and Relationship Addiction in place?
Codependency refers to an obsessive need for affection, attention and affirmation that is the result of the neglect of basic needs for nurturing, protection and appreciation in childhood and cultural patterns of mixing up being 'good' with being codependent.
Codependent people get easily drawn into the pain and problems of others. They lack clear boundaries that often got invaded in childhood through abuse.
If you wonder if you are codependent, ask yourself:
* Do you feel responsible to help people solve their problems while ignoring your own?
* Do you look outside yourself for meaning, identity and value?
* Do you say yes when you mean no?
* Do you tend to blame others for your unhappiness, failures and frustrations?
The deep need to be saved from inner loneliness and emptiness can turn into a desperate, needy search for a romance that makes you vulnerable for being used by people. This neediness will draw partners into your life that want to have their needs fulfilled and will have little concern for your feelings or needs.
You may also find yourself projecting this need on to another person, usually an addict in an attempt to save 'him'. Saving 'him' will not solve your problem. In the opposite: If you stay long enough in an unfulfilling relationship you become accustomed to unhappy situations, which then again will make you an easy target for being used.
How can you break this vicious cycle and overcome codependency?
First of all, make your needs and interests your priority. What do you need to do to be good to yourself, to love yourself, to appreciate the good things in you and in your life?
Start to take stock in the people you have surrounded yourself with. Are they as concerned with your needs and feelings as you are with theirs? You may need to detach yourself from some of these people, maybe even your partnership at least until you have taken time to start taking care of yourself.
Learn to say No when you mean No. Practice setting up boundaries that are firm and flexible. Saying No can be as easy as just not answering the phone.
Romance, alcohol, drugs and sex are not appropriate tools for overcoming codependency or filling your inner emptiness. Instead focus on enjoying the single life, as you develop a wide variety of interests and activities, meet people, and make new friends. With interests and activities and a good network of friends and acquaintances, the inner emptiness and the painful longing will cease.
This may be easier said than done. In my work with codependency during the last 35 years I discovered that most people do need extra help in shifting the energetic patterns that underlie codependent habitual emotions and responses and in building up healthy relationship patterns and communication skills.
In my Ebook: Beyond suffering (Printversion: Growing through Joy) you will find a comprehensive description of the different stages of love with its own qualities and challenges to give you a braoder view of the context of how to overcome codependency. You will also find a hands-on manual in this book on how to strengthen a positive Self |
